25th
April 2012
Raahil’s
first month
It is 5 am
on the 25th of March, and I am in agony. As my screams reach a crescendo,
my cries mingle with the voice of another; a new, young, high pitched one;
angry , scared at entering a loud and aggressive world. We have been a team for
months and months, closer than any two people could be. Now it is time to
separate. a new bond awaits us. One full of confusion, sleeplessness, intense heart
wrenching love and tears (both his and mine). My husband, partner friend of
many years and I are no longer a couple, not just the two of us anymore. We are
a family.
I remember how I always told people about my
obsession with morning time; with my freshly made hot breakfast, the stillness
and quietness, the solitude. Up until a month ago, I had no idea how
drastically things would change. How I would look back, sigh and bid a final
farewell to all that. I think that all through those nine months, he had been,
inside, wickedly planning how best to disturb my existence
Which he
has. From the moment he’s entered my world, he’s turned it topsy turvy, the
wrong way round, inside out. Every fiber of me is touched, disturbed,
dismantled and it will never be the same again.
Gorgeous
boy, your crooked smile just about melts my heart. Completely absorbed in a
famished feeding frenzy, you suddenly look up at me to check I’m still there. That
look of peace and security breaks me like nothing else.…
Maddening
boy, no one told me what you were capable of; the temper, erratic fleeting
moods, the disarming charm, the incessant desire to stay curled on one’s lap,
the refusal to go to sleep, pee, feed at a given (or convenient) time or stick
to any kind of routine whatsoever. Every time I feel I have you figured out,
you throw a curve ball and look up grinning toothlessly, all helpless and
innocent.
I don’t have
one minute to myself, even if it’s just to lie around reading Harry Potter; not
even one page (me, who had the luxury of finishing two books in one sitting). Every
time I pick up a book, the remote or take the first bite of my favorite meal of
the day (any meal in fact), I hear a rustling. A pair of tiny fists attached to
plump rounded arms are seen; the beginning of a cry for attention and I know
that food, recreation, sleep and me time must all sit back twiddling their
thumbs as I submit to my lord and master’s demands.
Sometimes in
this past month, I get panic stricken and think ‘where did my life go?’
Those times
are slowly becoming less frequent
It’s
difficult for those feelings to find their way to the front when others are
already there. Like the inexplicable peace that comes over me when a tiny warm
body is all snuggled up against me, head on my shoulder, trusting and vulnerable.
When I’m giving you a bath and you suddenly cease the screams of protest, you
look at me curiously, beginning to enjoy the warm water but suspicious of the
outcome of this pleasure. I’m amused (and relieved) at the doubtful truce.
Most of all
it is the huge wave of fear that envelopes me. How on earth can I keep him
safe, alive? ‘What ifs’ abound in your mind; from what if I drop him, to what
if he suddenly stops breathing... and goes away. It’s devastating.
Angry little
man, you yell and scream and whimper when we are together. But when you’re away
even for a few minutes, I start to miss you. I miss your pointed double chin
and long white delicate fingers. The turning of your head from one side to the
other, looking for me/food. I miss how you’ve started to follow me with your
eyes or how you turn at the sound of my voice. When I am alone (which is
seldom) I can recall the sensation of your satin soft, round legs and tiny feet
poking out from the sheet. You’re like a love affair recently started; the
passion of a lifetime. I can feel myself getting lost in you.
Frustrating one
moment, demanding at another. Often very annoyed and displeased with me. I can’t
help being so ineffective, I tell you. I cannot understand what you need, and
it makes my heart twist in anguish when you look at me with eyes seeking my
help and comfort. At other times I want to hand you over or share the work with
others, but the moment someone else takes you, I get anxious, I get jealous. I
feel uneasy and bereft.
It’s going to be an arduous journey my son. I
know it won’t be easy to steer you in the right direction by use of sheer
command. You are strong minded, too intelligent to be dictated to without the
use of reason. But I know you. Once your attention is captured, when you are treated
with respect and understanding, you will choose what the right path is, you’ll probably
be the one leading others. I can see the aspiration in you to forge ahead into unknown
lands and live to the fullest every moment life has to offer. After all, you
are the son of two rather adventurous people!
I wonder how
we will get on. Is it going to be a clash of wills? Probably. Constant worry,
tension and frustration? Very much so. But an exciting adventure, a journey of
laughter, drama? You can count on it.
What a
romance lies ahead for the three of us! Every moment is anticipated. Already,
time is flying by. You are a month old; a ‘newborn’ no longer.
Only a month
old, and you’ve already started to take charge.
We never
expected less from you. Raahil Abbas is set to take the world by storm and
everyone better wake up and keep up.
